"How far along were you?" - Probably one of the worst questions you could ever ask and something that I won't share. Do you really want to know how far along I was...we were? I was far enough along to know my little baby was growing inside of me. We were far enough along to be excited and to call our parents and start making plans for the future. We were far enough along to feel the aching pain in our hearts when the doctor told us the dreadful news that we will never forget.
Positive.
Positive.
Positive.
Positive.
We had only decided a month prior to start trying and just "see what happens." No one expected it to happen this fast but as I stood in the bathroom at 6 am staring down at those 4 positive pregnancy tests I knew that Baby K was already our little miracle. I had been having strong pregnancy symptoms for quite awhile, but being the hypochondriac that I am I figured I should just brush it off and try not to get too exciting knowing the disappointment I would feel if I wasn't actually pregnant yet. Needless to say I was shocked. My heart was pounding and tears were welling up in my eyes. I had thought up all of these grand plans of how to tell Bryce but I literally couldn't keep it to myself. I ran to the bed and woke him up and shoved the test in his face. Half asleep and utterly confused he muttered "What does it say?" The excitement on his face made it that much more real. "This is happening." I thought. We sat in the bed hugging each other and crying and kept looking at the pregnancy tests just to double, triple, and quadruple check that it was positive. It was. All 4 of them were and it was undeniable. Mostly because it was a digital test that blatantly said "Pregnant" so...I guess you can't really argue with that.
After the initial shock and excitement calmed I began to immediately panic. Like I mentioned, I am quite the hypochondriac, just ask Bryce. I thought of all the bad things that could happen and worried probably more than I should have about having a miscarriage. Maybe I worried because I have read so many personal accounts of people that have had miscarriages or because of the people close to me in my life that have dealt with this loss. Whatever the reason this was a thought that was constantly in the back of my mind. A fear I had long before we even knew we were pregnant. I had this conversation with my doctor and she had assured me that I had nothing to worry about. Still I felt an unsettling feeling about all of it.
It's hard to put into words but looking back now I almost feel as if we were being prepared for what was going to happen. It sounds ridiculous but I didn't feel pregnant. I knew that I was but emotionally I wasn't there. Maybe because I was expecting the worse or maybe because deep down I knew this wasn't meant to be the way we wanted. Call it whatever you want, mothers instinct or crazy. Either way, looking back it's almost like I knew. Bryce gave me a blessing to help me calm down and feel more at ease. Again, thinking back to what was said in that blessing I strongly believe that we were being prepared for this. Nothing was mentioned of our little miracle Baby K. Most of the blessing was about me and my health and my relationship with Bryce. There wasn't much about the pregnancy or Baby K. Heavenly Father knew that our time with Baby K was limited and that this pregnancy wasn't going to be what we had planned.
When things started to go wrong we went back and forth with the idea of going to the ER. I didn't want to be dramatic and storm into the ER just for them to tell me I needed to chill. It was a holiday weekend so my doctors office was closed. The ER was our only option. Everyone was assuring me that everything was normal and there was nothing to worry about. I blamed it on my anxiety and told myself to calm down. But I knew. This wasn't right. 6 hours later I literally couldn't sit in our house worrying anymore. We went to the ER where my nurse and doctor both told me that I was having normal symptoms but they took a blood test and sent me to get an ultrasound. The rest is a blur. We left the hospital in tears, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. We went home and prayed and cried and cried and cried. We let our families know and then turned our phones off. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want the endless list of questions. Bryce is the greatest man I have ever met. He was there for me and was so strong. He would hold back tears trying not to upset me more. Despite his endless love and comfort I felt more alone than I ever had. How can things be so perfect and in the same instant fall apart.
Me and Bryce have since had many long conversations about that day and what happened. I can honestly say that our testimony in the church and in the miracle of life and eternal families is stronger than ever. Although we will not get to meet Baby K in this life I know that one day we will. Our family is eternal and Baby K is with us forever. Our perfect little baby that we created is loved more than words can describe. The pain is not gone, the feeling of loss and grief are strong in our hearts. I am sure that one day the pain will subside, but it will never be gone. Healing isn't moving on but moving forward.
Baby K -
Thank you for choosing us
Thank you for being our miracle baby
Thank you for bringing us closer together
Thank you for being our perfect creation
We miss you, and we can't wait to hold you and
meet you when the day comes
For now, we know that you are taking good care
of all of our heavenly babies that we have yet to know
We love you Baby K. To the moon and back and for all
of eternity. We love you.
-Mom and Dad
- 9:25:00 AM
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